relationship.

recently, i went to my ex's wedding reception. i didn't expect that myself either. i went because i respect his father, who's been a father to us as well. we broke up or should i say, the relationship went hanging(?), during my 1st year as a medical student. it was my 2nd semester. if i were to bring up what he did, i would but i chose not to because it's not my business now anyways. i grew tired of it. BUT the funny thing happened was when i came in to the hall. shocked eyes everywhere. specially his relatives,  the bawangs, and even the bride and groom themselves while they're walking down the aisle to their pelamin on stage.

to tell you the truth, i was afraid. i was afraid i might disturb someones's happiness. i was afraid that it might turned into chaos. who knows kan? i was shaking but set aside all those worries, i pray to myself that all of what has happened, have happened. i'm here to respect the invitation. i'm no strong woman but ya Allah, lend me your strength to get through this. it's a wedding reception and it should not be sad, envy or any heartbroken events. what's done is done. after that, i exhaled and smiled. no tears, no hard feelings. i was enjoying my food. met those relatives, who i'm pretty sure knows nothing about me but heard something about me. only a few i could talk freely like nothing ever happened.

after everything, i still find it funny. my dad said the relationship was not even true at all since he didn't say anything to my dad. and somehow, we can discussed about it as a family. when most of the time, my father didn't know anything about it. i can even say to my dad that when the time comes, i'm only gonna say to the guy to meet you in person. do you know what a relief it was to say that to my dad? the strict father who always thought of his children are his princes and princesses? yes, it was totally worth it because i don't have to fake anything. HAH. i love my parents :)

friendship.

you will come to learn when there are those who stay for you no matter who you are and those who leave out of your life. after years of being together, one by one will show their true self. and when those time comes to you, you will have to decide for your own sake whether this friend is meant to stay or just being "that" friend. pray to yourself that those great friends who are meant for you are there because of Allah SWT. pray to yourself that may Allah give you the very best of friends who would help you to be a better you.

i am truly grateful for those who stayed with me and support me for whatever i do as much as i support whatever they decided to do. those who saw me in my weakness, my landfall, my lowest point of life and still chose to stay, i thank you for that. i wish many great things happen to these people i care the most. i wish all the blessing i can get for them to ease in whatever they do today and in the future.

i also wanted to thank those who became the "friend" in my life. these are the people that thought me how i should behave, talk to some certain people. how i should be sabar with different attitudes. how some minds would never clicked with you but chose to be quiet and let my personal monologue to ran on its own when i'm in my room. how i should not care when they don't bring the best of me. how i could open my eyes and see that it's not only about me. how i should care for myself rather than being confused, upset, and depressed when clearly they are not there for me.

it's okay to ignore those who are toxic to you. it's okay to be unknown of when suddenly someone hated you for no reason. it's okay you have very little friends who are close to you. honestly, i'm no good in being in contact all the time with my friends but i do try to talk to them from time to time. i have that tiny voice that keep saying i'm a bother to all. hahaha. when i dont text or call them, i pray the very best for them. only God knows how much i care for them.

 love myself.

this year, i'm gonna love myself even more. i started learning about myself by the end of the 1st quarter last year. i learned to self love, self care. i'm trying to be optimistic about my life since i have a long way to go. it sounded narcissistic but sometimes you need your own time and way in appreciating yourself. i have to say, bangtan really did help me a lot. i hate to say i am an army at first but i am the army they made me and glad i did. lol cheesy nak mateyyyyy. ehem! as i said before, i am not strong physically and mentally but i know i will be strong when i know Allah and His Rasul is always close to me. don't ask me how but you will know it spiritually. may happiness comes to those who read this and have faith in God. let's love ourselves more.

- minapatawari -