thank you Mr. Google!

okay. Recently, I have this problem where I'm stuck in between right and wrong, true and false etc. then my Abah, who is my non biological father that I love dearly, said to me;

"What she said was never the same as what was in her heart. Poor her. Do pray for her. Ditelan mati emak, diluah mati bapa. Insya Allah abah pray to Allah for everyone."

 and that phrase literally got me thinking because i'm not that good in peribahasa. I only got a B for my Bahasa Malaysia. So i did some google-ing and i found this;

"Keadaan yang amat serba salah. Peribahasa ini cukup untuk menggambarkan satu situasi dimana manusia berada dalam keadaan tersepit di antara dua keadaan atau antara dua pihak atas sebab-sebab tertentu. Mak dan bapak atau lebih manis disebut ibu ayah adalah satu contoh untuk menceritakan bahawa kedua-duanya adalah sama penting, sama bernilai. Tuhan menjadikan setiap ujian itu manusia dapat pikul, tak ada yang melebihi kemampuan manusia. usaha, tawakal dan berdoa pada Tuhan. kita tunggu dan lihat. manusia yang beriman akan sentiasa yakin akan pertolongan Tuhan. kalo kita buat salah, kena berani tanggung. kerana manusia tidak lari dari melakukan kesilapan. kalo tak pernah buat, itu bukan manusia. kalo apa yang kita buat itu betul, tidak perlu takut, sebab kebenaran akan mengatasi kebatilan. kebenaran itu adalah haq. kalo apa yang kita buat itu kita rasa betul, akan ada ganjaran dari Tuhan yang akan kita peroleh."

and this;

Peribahasa

Dimakan mati emak, diluahkan mati bapa.

Takrif

Menghadapi sesuatu masalah yang sangat sulit; dalam keadaan yang serba salah. (Peribahasa lain yang sama makna: a. Bagai bertemu [= makan] buah si malakamo: dimakan mati bapa, tidak dimakan mati ibu, b. Bagai memegang buah kepantangan beruk: ditelan mati emak, diludahkan mati bapa, c. Bak membelah kepayang muda: dimakan mabuk, dicampak sayang, d. Digenggam takut mati, dilepaskan takut terbang, e. Dikatakan mati emak, tak dikatakan mati bapa, f. Seperti Kur'an [Quan] buruk: dibaca tak boleh dipersebarangan dosa).

Sumber

Kamus Istimewa Peribahasa Melayu

It is true that i fell guilty but I'm pretty damn sure I didn't do anything wrong and if i do, i admit that its my fault. but this year was hectic enough for me because i still dont have anywhere to go for my further studying and because of my stupid head i felt sorry for everyone. i felt sorry for myself. i felt sorry that i'm not good enough. i felt sorry that i'm not smart enough. i felt sorry that i was not my sister. i felt sorry for being their daughter. i felt sorry for being stupid and always argue her. i even felt sorry for being in the same house as her.

i'm tired and i hate fighting with her. i tried my best to make sure that nothing will cause me to argue with her. really do. but in the end, she did something that would always made me go crazy. how am i not suppose to be mad? it hurts me a lot and she did it tons of times. in the past, i would definitely go passionless or emotionless whenever she's around and said something that would hurt me and i never get to tell her that because she was the one who bore me.

how am i suppose to say what i feel to her when she never listens? she always said that i'm the type of person who would suppress my own feelings and its true but sometimes keeping them in is like trying to tame a fiery beast that would just go nuts and break myself. how am i suppose to tell her that?

Abah said physically, i'm more like my father but spiritually, i'm more to my mother. and i actually do understand that. when i look in the mirror, i could only see the girl version of my father but my mouth was hers. other than that, i can feel some parts of my mother's inside me. whenever she told me about her stories, i felt that way too but i never tell her. because i think she's always right when it comes to this.

Up until now, i was never the daughter that could bring her happiness. i never see her genuine smile as she did to my sister. they rarely argue and they always laugh whenever they're together. maybe, just maybe or what if, i was...never hers? could it be always that perfect family she ever wanted? could she be more happy than she ever had? if so, i'd be gladly because i really do want her to be happy. i want her to have none argue family that she always wanted. the family tat she could dream of.

did you know i actually thought of marrying? because if that happens, i will never be under my parents rules. my sins and my reward would be on my husband. anything i do would be under my husband. but then, is that really what i want?

i thought about going to sekolah pondok. i don't know. trying to rehabilitate spiritually about myself. trying to learn what are my purposes in life other than to Allah and His Rasulullah SAW. or is that really it? just be patient with her and pray to Allah and let Him guide me in every way? well hey! i think i found some answers for that. i'm gonna stick with Allah. Doa and Tawakal. He will help. have faith in Him. May Allah bless you Mina. you need that.

anyways, if you're reading this to here, you're reading what comes to mind LIVE. this is not edited, no double thinking. just straight from the heart and mind.